So here I sit, after a good day overall, a family reunion of sorts with my favorite cousin, my best friend, and another friend from back home. And yet, I'm kinda feeling...I don't know. Lost, maybe? Lonely, definitely. I'm just not sure how to put it, really.

First, I want to apologize to any of my watchers who are looking for either a sequel to "Alone with a Vampire" or perhaps another storyline from me. The muse really hasn't been with me recently, and I've been way too stressed to even think about trying to find the muse. In all honesty, I think I've lost my muse for now. I promise that when things calm down, I will sit down to write something else. Hopefully when I start writing, it'll just come to me.

Now, for the reason that I'm really writing in this. I have like, five other blogs and journals that I can write in, but I don't want my closest friends, save one who I trust completely who's a DeviantArtist, to read this. Today, I had a chance to really think. And I think two things:
1.) I'm thinking that I'm too picky.
2.) I don't think that being picky is a bad thing.
Here's what I mean. My friend Bethany visited me today (well, I went to my g'ma's house and she could make a stop by for a moment). Mom has been trying her best to get me and Bethany to marry for a long time. I'm not saying I would mind this, but I know that Bethany likes me only as her closest friend, and that there isn't a spark. I've resigned myself to this a long time ago. And in our conversation about me needing to have a great woman in my life (my mom said that), I got to thinking about the girls I've had in my life, and why I'm still single.

I have to say that I've had three women in my life who I love entirely. Two I've dated. And any of these three women, any of them, would be a woman that I think I could marry. And yet, they've all decided that I'm not what they want in their lives. But what do I want? What is it about each of these girls that I love so much? And why wasn't I the one for at least one of them?

Wait, I've lost my point. My point really is that I think that I'm too picky. I know what I want in a woman. But, am I unreasonable? I want someone I can talk to. And I don't mean that they sit there and just listen while I chat chat chat about the things that I want to muse about. I want someone who at least make it a point to try to have a thought, even if they don't know much about the topic. I mean, I don't know a whole lot about art, or writing, or anything like that. I'm about understanding people: politics, psychology, theology, philosophy, all those things that drive the choices that people make. But when someone asks me to try to say something about a piece of art, I try to say something, no matter how little I know. Because I know if someone asks me, then that person finds that piece interesting, and I should try to understand why and interact with them. That's all I ask. Really, that's what I want.

And I would like to be with someone who's open. I mean, there's somethings that you can't talk to, or don't want to, but when I'm with someone, that person reminds me that the world, no matter how bad it can seem, is really a good place. Maybe I'm more like a woman in that when the stress gets bad, I don't get angry, I get kinda huggy. I like to have that calming factor. Not like a mother, but like a lover. Lovers can understand you on such a deep level. I want to be a lover for someone. To be that person that when my lover's chips are down I can calm them and talk to them.

I want to be with someone who wants me. Who's open about wanting me. I'm always open about wanting to be with my lover. I'm kinda physical. And it's never just about that physical. I don't care what anyone says about sex, it's hundreds of times, thousands of times, billions of times than even that, better than just sex with someone you find hott. And it's that connection, that even more intimate of intimacies that I want in my life. I mean, if I find my lover hott and have that connection, why shouldn't they? Why shouldn't they have the desire to get me behind closed doors?

Maybe there are some other things that I look for as well that I just don't think about. but these were the things that were on my mind today. But, this isn't asking too much. I mean, I have three women in my life (kinda) now who are mostly like all of these things who I love and want to be with. But two have men, and one is just pushing me out of her life entirely. Why? I don't know. And I know I should be okay being single, but I feel like humans were made to be with others, not just as friends, but as lovers. Everyone needs a lover. Sure, you can survive on your own, but how really fulfilling is that? Maybe pride in yourself can take that place, but I just don't think that it's the same thing as having someone who's there for you, who understands you, who loves you, who you probably don't have to take care of but you help provide for anyway.

You know what, I've just lost my point. Maybe I just think I'm too picky. that my requests are unreasonable. And yet, I know that this is the kind of person that I want and that I feel I deserve. I worked hard to be the man I am, and, in spite of my own advice to another on the matter, I wanted to be that man so that the woman I'm with will know that she is with a good man. That's not really how I want to say it, but, I think you may know what I mean.

Anyway, I'm just...getting it out. Feel free to say something if you'd like. I'd probably appreciate the feedback, even from someone who doesn't really know me.